Writing about loss was not how I planned to launch this site.
I had planned to launch this site before our trip to Santa Barbara during the holiday weekend in February.
Our trip had to be cancelled because in early February I found out I was pregnant. Just like with my first pregnancy as soon as I arrived at week 7 I was SICK. I’m talking go to the ER, get a prescription for zofran, sleep most of the day, throw up when awake, can’t function kind of sick.
As I started to feel better we rescheduled our trip to Santa Barbara for my husband’s Spring Break in March.
Then our world came crashing down after we found out we lost our sweet September baby. That devastating news combined with a world-wide pandemic meant our trip was again cancelled.
I contemplated just pushing this site into the back of my closet but I realized it might feel really good for me to write about the pain and grief I’m feeling.
Over the last week I’ve experienced the deepest hardest pain, both physically and emotionally, of my life. On Saturday I would have been 13 weeks. On February 3rd I found out I was pregnant. I was totally surprised and immediately grateful to be blessed with another miracle baby after years and years of infertility.
Finding out our sweet September baby went to be with Jesus ripped my heart to shreds.
It was devastating to go to our 12-week appointment and not hear a heart beat after we heard that sweet sound just 4 weeks earlier.
Seeing your husband take in the news and then having to tell your sweet-oh-so-excited-to-be-a-big-sister daughter that the baby in mommy’s belly got sick and died ripped my already shredded heart out of my chest.
I know that God is still good. I feel His peace and presence with me, but I am still heartbroken and gutted.
My heart hurts for every other women who is a part of this nightmare club.
I’m still working on finding the words to share more of my story because I feel it in my heart that it needs to be told.
